Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”