I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.