I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*