I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on