I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You Might Also Like
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Hmm, not sure about this change
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind