I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*gets down on one knee*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
subtitles are so good nowadays
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door