I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
You Might Also Like
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Pickled cat.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it