I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You Might Also Like
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.