I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.