“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.