i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*