I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo