I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
just pretend nothing happened
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?