I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?