I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I have never related to a cat more
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
You can’t rush stupid.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.