i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
This is my bus stop.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?