I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.


*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage


My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF


Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.


Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!