@AllenaC

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

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@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@iamspacegirl

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

@botandy

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

@

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!