I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?