I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Trying