I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I cannot stop laughing at this
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.