Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999