I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

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Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.


Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends


interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills


[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips


*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no


Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.


San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible