i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.