@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

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@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

@sock_holliday

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@Carbosly

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@SondraDeeMe

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

@iwearaonesie

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok