“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I feel attacked.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.