hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.