I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.