I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?