Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

how much for the angry fruit?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.