I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
You Might Also Like
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
the rocks need my help
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
good work, detective
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.