“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
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My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You’re the water to my grease fire.
FRED: right
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.