@Brentweets

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

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@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

@chrisscarlette

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

@Donna_McCoy

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

@shutupmikeginn

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

@thatdutchperson

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

@TheCatWhisprer

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”