i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes