I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.