I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”