I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The happy life.. 😊
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal