I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”