I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.