I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
This guy’s not having it 😆
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem