Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Does beer think about me too?

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates