I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
#CoronaOutbreak
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
