Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Me too

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up