I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Is….Is this an option?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.