I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
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So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon