I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Shortcut
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!