I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church