@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

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@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

@johnfreiler

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@EmSlyce

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

@McNarstle

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

@UncleDuke1969

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen