I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
This was my dad’s browser history.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop