I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
You Might Also Like
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.