I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
absolutely not
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”