I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I鈥檓 an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be鈥UN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
All I鈥檓 saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?