I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You think you鈥檝e got problems? This is what I鈥檓 having for dinner
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I got banged so hard today I鈥檓 still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I鈥檓 still counting it.
Wife: our daughter can鈥檛 find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn鈥檛 you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
1920鈥檚: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020鈥檚: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i鈥檓 trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I鈥檓 convinced it鈥檚 the cutest video ever
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She鈥檚 always been thoughtful.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
if you can鈥檛 handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don鈥檛 deserve me at my mimimimimi