I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like