I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Isn’t
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.