I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I like crazy people until they notice me
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.