Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?