I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Tell the colonel to bring it
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww