I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You Might Also Like
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
😅🤣😂
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.