I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”