I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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There’s only one good girl here!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is